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With
exploding egos, stressful
lifestyles and altering
attitudes, the image of
enduring marriage is crumbling.
However, traditional prescriptions
of love, communication
and respect for each other
hold good today, when
men and women need each
other even more than ever
before. Let us, for a
while, put on hold the
modern cynicism we are
prone to. As the following
stories will testify,
love followed by the bliss
of matrimony can strike
anytime, any place. Even
in the hostile times we
live in.
Shalini
and Vikram Mehta met as
majority of couples in
India do-through relatives.
Shalini
was immediately drawn
to Vikram's simple, earthy
attitude. Vikram sought
a wife who was educated
and independent, someone
like her. The two gave
their consent within an
hour. After the brief
courtship that followed,
they were married in 1998.
Today,
their relationship has
matured into one of deep
understanding and companionship.
The birth of their son
Aryan a year ago was the
fruition of these qualities.
The last century has proved
to be a graveyard for
institutions such as the
state and religion, believed
to be cornerstones of
most cultures.
The term 'marriage', unromantically
enough may be taken to
denote the action, contract,
formality or ceremony
by which the conjugal
union is formed.
The
word is derived from the
Latin 'maritare', which
means union under the
auspices of the goddess
Aphrodite-Mari. The Vedas
also exhort: "United
your resolve, united your
hearts, may your spirits
be one, that you may long
together dwell in unity
and concord!"
ALTERNATIVES
TO MARRIAGE
Sunjoy
and Puneeta Roy admit
having married under societal
pressure. Otherwise the
couple belive that ‘‘marriage
as an institution is obsolete’’.
They
argue: ‘‘What
is it that you can do
in a marriage that you
can’t do outside
it?’’
A
view endorsed by Dipti
Priya Mehrotra who finds
marriage a confining institution.
A social activist, she
has been exposed to the
most gruesome underside
of marriage—dowry
demands, bride burning,
physical and mental abuse
by in-laws. Her own unsuccessful
marriage shattered any
remaining illusions of
marriage as a way to be
happy.
Dipti
is critical of the so-called
‘lasting marriages’,
which are seldom more
than an arrangement of
compromise: ‘‘Most
marriages will go on smoothly
for a long time if the
set stereotypical patterns
were adhered to."
Women’s
lib has seen a rising
number of women who choose
to remain single, adopt
a child or conceive through
artificial insemination
or other means.
Most counselors assert
that spouses in a happy
marriage are more productive
on the job, are physically
healthier and experience
less emotional stress
than their unhappily married
counterparts. A married
couple face a lower cost
of living since the expenses
and the household chores
are shared by two people.
They
also raise happier, healthier,
more confident children
who go on to have happy
marriages themselves.
The initial parent-child
bonding is most elemental
in the shaping and development
of a personality.
"Just
as children suffering
from vitamin D deficiency
grow up with distorted
limbs, so children deprived
of parental love develop
rickets of the soul",
says
Rashna Imhasly Gandhy,
Delhi-based psychotherapist
and author of Psychology
of Love.
Unlike
the western civilization
where love precedes marriage,
in India the assumption
largely is that love between
the partners comes after
marriage. Arranged marriages
are still the norm though
the number of love marriages
is steadily increasing.
Observes
kumar: "Everyone
admits that compatibility
is the key. Therefore
love or arranged, it's
imperative that the couple
get to know each other
before marriage."
These
mixed trends point towards
one fact-in today's fast-paced
world, men and women need
each other more, not less.
A good marriage can offset
the loneliness of life
in crowded cities and
provide refuge from the
hammering pressures of
the competitive workplace.
"Emotional,
temperamental and sexual
incompatibility are leading
crack-builders in a marriage,"
says Barmi. "Though
couples may be aware of
difference of opinions
and interests during courtship,
these get magnified only
when you spend a lot of
time with each other as
after marriage."
Physical
proximity is perhaps the
most obviously important
factor in sustaining a
marriage. Over 20 per
cent of her cases, Barmi
reveals, pertain to sexual
incompatibility, which
could also refer to seeking
too much. Many
women allege that their
husbands want to have
sex several times a day.
The sexual relationship
is often an indicator
of how well the couple
is faring on the marital
front.
"I
see many marriages pulled
apart because of the inability
to sacrifice individual
needs," comments
Minnu Bhonsale. "And
after the early romance
has worn off, it's easy
to lose sight of those
special endearing qualities
of each other in the daily
grind of the mundane and
dreary."
"But,
if he has a problem, he
can clean it himself."
feels Rajat. All issues
should be understood by
both individuals, which
depends on how mature
they are.
Puneeta
Roy, married to ad film-maker
Sunjoy Roy for a happy
16 years, recounts: "After
being married to Sunjoy
for four years, I realized
that the very things that
attracted me to him had
started annoying me."
Ramon
Chibb, who has been married
to Anku Pande for the
past four years, advises:
"If you are marrying
into a different community,
you have to be sure because
it is not as hunky-dory
as it sounds. Anku is
from the Brahmin community
where rituals are very
important. Although she
doesn't believe in them,
they are so ingrained
in her that we began to
notice the differences."
Often,
society isn't very accommodating
of couples from diverse
backgrounds. As in the
case of journalist Sultan
Shahin, a Muslim married
to Pragya, a Hindu. They
fought against it together
and have been married
23 years now.
"We
might seem to have a lot
of differences,"
says Sultan, but these
societal and political
problems did not interfere
and break their marriage.
Given the Indian scenario
of 'marrying not the person,
but his or her family',
the matrimonial ship often
sets sail, cargoed by
the hopes and expectations
of families and friends
involved.
However,
specific concerns intrinsic
to such relationships,
like varying preferences-the
way the kids should be
brought up, their religion
and food habits, conflicting
personality types of the
couples and dissimilar
intellectual levels-could
still pose a threat. But
problems that beset cross-cultural
or inter-caste marriages
are the same as those
faced by others.
Fidelity would still remain
the fundamental contract
in the marriage, tied
to issues of honesty and
faith. A couple in their
early 40s found their
marriage on the rocks.
The husband had a couple
of extramarital affairs.
HOW
TO MAKE IT WORK
COMMUNICATE
Listen, listen, listen.
Listen patiently. And
try to understand what
your spouse is saying.
Avoid
bashing those ideas even
if you think the person
is in the wrong. Save
the criticism for later.
Also, talk, talk, talk.
Tell
the person everything
you feel. To expect your
partner to understand
everything without being
told is expecting too
much.
GIVE SPACE
Made-for-each-other doesn’t
imply binding each other.
You
are two different people
who need some personal
space to develop as individuals.
Not
only will it keep both
zestful, it will also
provide you with a lot
more to keep your marriage
bustling and breathing.
FIGHT FAIR
Fight your battle with
your partner. It will
only clear things up.
But make it fair.
Trying
to win a fight is not
the solution. The idea
should be to curb your
anger and solve differences
without letting arguments
go out of control.
Don’t
forget to throw the egos
out of the window.
AVOID ROLE PLAYING
The husband can cook and
the woman can earn.
Just
because you are married,
you don’t have to
get caught into a daily
rut of being husband and
wife.
It
is a partnership, not
ownership.
BE PATIENT
What you thought was endearing
about your spouse when
you were only dating,
is probably the reason
you are fighting.
Or
you have discovered things
about the person you think
you would rather scoot
for hell than witness.
Learn
to work around them because
expecting perfection from
anyone is unrealistic
and can get too demanding.
GET INTIMATE
Get intimate With pleasure,
good sex also conveys
love and commitment.
It
is a way to bond in private
where you are leaving
aside alien factors ravaging
your relationship.
THINK POSITIVE
There are pros and cons
to every heartfelt relationship.
What
you need to do is look
at those positive aspects
of your relationship that
can further strengthen
your marriage.
Simultaneously,
work on the weaker points
so they don’t surface
too often.
EMPATHY
Get over ‘you said’
and ‘you did’.
Look within and try putting
yourself in the shoes
of your partner.
It
will give you a whole
new perspective that you
might need to work upon
even if it means sacrificing
your preferences.
ACCEPT
If you think fighting
over his alcoholism is
the way out, you need
a shift of paradigm.
Accepting
the person for who he
or she is, is more likely
to change the person,
lending security and belief
to your love.
FINE-TUNE
Everything has its tiding
and ebbing. That doesn't
imply you stop working
on yor marriage.You need
to continue to foster
love and resoect for a
lasting bond. Make a journey
of joyful growth.
MONEY AFFAIRS
'When money is tight,
couples fight'.
The
earning partner should
not feel in control of
the house for the support
he or she is providing.
And
the spendthrift should
hold his reins if the
other has sleepless nights
over managing the finances.
"In
cases of physical or mental
abuse, the partner being
abused should leave to
retain her health and
sanity," she argues.
If violent abuse begins
within one or two years
of marriage, there are
greater chances of the
marriage breaking.
Being
together 24/7 means understanding
each other, acknowledging
your habits and peculiarities
and trying to accept those
of your spouse.
Know
that there will be a new
revelation every day,
that emotions will go
swish-swoosh and that
your partner will change
over time.
In
fact, the longer the marriage,
the better you know how
to accept and handle these
surprises that infuse
novelty in the relationship.
According
to Ella: "The trick
is to keep at it and persist
till it works." Yet,
occasional fights are
good.
"It
is like throwing up to
clear your system,"
as Solil puts it. Sultan
Shahin philosophises that
every person is in the
world to learn a lesson.
What we are here to learn
in this life is the area
where we will face problems,
conflicts and failures.
For
the Roys, it is also about
one person relenting at
some point of time because
two big egos cannot co-exist
in a marriage. "Because
people are always trying
to get heard, they are
always in conflict,"
feels Puneeta.
Although
it is not true that love
marriages are usually
the ones that go bust,
what makes them delicate
are the expectations attached
to them.
INTIMATE
MATES
In
its truest form, sex is
not only connected to
a sense of pleasure, but
also to love and commitment.
The ultimate sexual experience
is a deep and satisfying
union that is emotional,
spiritual and physical.
Sex
undeniably plays a vital
role in a marriage. The
richness that can be experienced
through sex will follow
when the other essential
ingredients — represented
by commitment, love, union,
pleasure and oft times
even the possibility of
procreation—are
in place.
Harriet
Lerner in The Dance of
Intimacy, correctly says:
‘‘It is when
we stay in a relationship
over time—whether
by necessity or choice—that
our capacity for intimacy
is truly put to the test.’’
Strong
emotional bonding often
precedes warm and intimate
sex. Neglecting either
aspect could lead to problems,
such as the man looking
out for better sex, or
the woman nagging her
way out due to sexual
frustration.
Dr
vimal kumar points out
that sex has the power
to salvage a marriage.
‘‘Physical
proximity is important
in sustaining a marriage.
Often, despite marital
discords, if the sexual
relationship is good,
the marriage survives,’’
he says.
Sex
is a healthy form of releasing
frustration and resolving
conflicts. The saying
‘‘All fights
should end in bed’’
is true.
Ramon
and Anku second this.
‘‘If you have
a fight then sex works
a lot.’’
However,
most couples insist that
sex, though important,
is only part of the larger
picture.
At Engaged Encounter,
run by the Catholic Church
in Mumbai, regular pre-marital
workshops held for couples
cover aspects like encountering
the self, spirituality
and the sacrament of marriage
as well as the relevance
of communication, unity
in marriage, morality
and sexuality.
For
Sultan Shahin, what is
important is the appreciation
of personalities and complementing
each other, "filling
the gaps for each other''.
"I
know what'd make Rajan
feel special, so when
he comes home tired, I
press his shoulders…or
when I come home from
classes, he will please
my finicky sense of cleanliness
by clearing up any mess."
There are certainly no
sure-fire rules. But working
towards sustaining a marriage
is worth attempting. Consistency
is the key to every achievement.
And
for all the offerings
that a marriage bestows
on society, on your children
and on you, there is a
need to live up to it.
There is one truth about
all relationships-the
more you invest in them,
the better you help them
grow. Marriage? Ditto
To Get More Information
about any Diseases click
here www.delhipsychiatricsociety.com
Dr.
Vimal Kumar's Service
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